


Angels And Demons With Actually No Hats

by orphan_account



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Llamas with Hats (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, i have sinned, llamas with hats parody, rated for cursing and stuff, watch the series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 02:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8384071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Crowley, there is a dead human in our house!”
I am so sorry for inflicting my crack upon the world. Llamas with Hats parody. Again, I'm sorry, I am so sorry.





	1. Episode 1

“Crowley, there is a dead human in our house!”

The demon looked up guiltily at the angel standing in the doorway, having just returned from the bookshop, then at the body slumped against the wall. “Oh, hey! How did he get here?” he asked, pretending to be innocent.

“Croowley, what did you do?!?” Aziraphale persisted, hand twitching to facepalm.

“Me? Na- eh- I didn’t do this,” Crowley continued to deny.

“Explain what happened, Crowley,” Aziraphale wanted to know.

“I’ve never seen it before in my life!” Crowley defended.

“Why did you kill this person, Crowley?” It was really getting difficult not to facepalm.

“I do not kill people. That is- That is my  _ least _ favorite thing to do.” Despite being a demon, Crowley was a terrible liar.

“Tell me, Crowley, exactly what you were doing before I got home,” the angel demanded.

“Oh, alright, well, I was upstairs-”

“Okay.”

“And I was, uh, I was sitting in my room-”

“Yes?”

“Reading a book.”

“Go on…”

“And, ah, well this guy walked in-”

“Okay.”

“So I went up to him-”

“Yes?”

“And I, well, I stabbed him 37 times in the chest.”

Aziraphale gave in to his urge to facepalm. “Crowleyy, that kills people!” He sighed.

“Oh, oh wow, I, I, hah, I didn’t know that.” Crowley’s half-assed attempt at lying did nothing to convince anyone.

“How could you not know that?”

“Yeah, I’m in the wrong here, I suck.”

Aziraphale noticed something else. “What happened to his hands?”

“What’s that?”  _ Oh shit _ , Crowley thought.

“His hands, why- why are they missing?”

“Well I kind of, uh, cooked them up. And fed them to my plants.”

There was a short moment of silence. “ _ Crowwley _ !”

“Well, I, well, they were hungry, and well, you know, when your plants crave hands, that’s-”

“Why on earth would you do that? Why do you have plants that even have the capacity to crave hands?

“They were hungry for hands! Give me a break!”

“ _ Crowleyy… _ ”

“Their leaves were making the rumblies.”

“Crowley…”

“That only hands would satisfy.”

“What is  _ wrong _ with you, Crowley?”

“Well, I, I kill people and I own plants that eat hands, that’s- that’s two things. And I’m a demon in love with an angel.”

Aziraphale sighed, knowing that he couldn’t stay mad when Crowley said that kind of thing. “And I’m an angel in love with a demon,” he agreed, going up to his partner and hugging him. “Just- try and tone it down? We have neighbors, human ones.”

Crowley smirked. “Oh, I know another way to annoy the neighbors,” he said, cupping his angel’s face with a hand and bringing him into a kiss.


	2. Episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is actual trash I am sorry  
> also you may have noticed that crowley is insane in this  
> that is true  
> it has to work with the llamas w/ hats thing so, although I love my little demon with a conscience, in this fic he's cray-cray, sorry :/

“G- Crowley, what on earth was all that?!?”

“I’m not sure what you’re referring to,” aforementioned demon blatantly lied.

“You sunk an entire cruise ship, Crowley!” The angel groaned, sitting carefully in the life raft so that as little touched his clothes as possible.

“Are you sure that was me? I- I would think I would remember something like that.”

“Crowley, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain’s face!”

“That sounds dangerous.” Aziraphale was so done with his partner’s ineffective denial of anything he did.

“You were in snake form and tripped children off of the side of the ship!”

“That, uh, that must’ve been horrifying to watch,” Crowley said.

“And then you started making out with the ice sculptures!” Truth be told, Aziraphale was a bit angrier about that than he was about the dead. Upon realizing this, he sent up a silent, quick prayer asking for forgiveness.

“Thank Go- Sa- Someone that the children weren’t onboard to see it,” Crowley shrugged.

Aziraphale groaned again in annoyance and looked down to adjust his seat when he noticed something else. This didn’t bode well.

“Uh, Crowley? Why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?” That settled it, the demon was definitely not getting any once they got back.

“Well, I guess you could say that it  _ is _ red and sticky,” Crowley observed.

“Crowley, what are we standing in?” Aziraphale asked, wary of the answer.

“Would you believe it’s strawberry milkshake?”

“No, I would not believe that.” Aziraphale stood up precariously, arms out to balance.

“Uh, melted gumdrops.”

“No…”

“Or boat nectar?”

“No.”

“Some of God’s tears.”

“Don’t even go there, Crowley. Tell me the truth!”

“Fine, it’s the lovely elderly couple from 2B.”

“Cro-o-wley!” Aziraphale exclaimed, horrified.

“Well, they were, uh, they were taking all the crescent rolls.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!”

“I will not apologize for art.”

“No, Crowley, art is Giotto di Bondone. Art was the Alexandria Library before  _ someone _ burned it down.”

“I told you, that was Hastur!”

“And where are the other lifeboats?”

Crowley looked around at the empty sea but for the wreckage of the ship. “Whoa, you won the prize! I didn’t even notice that!”

“Where are the other lifeboats, Crowley?” Aziraphale was a bit panicked now, especially knowing his partner.

“Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean. I bit lots of holes in them with my fangs.”

“Crowleyy!”

“I have a problem. I have a serious problem,” Crowley freely admitted.

“You are just- terrible today!”

“Shhh,” Crowley interrupted, tongue flickering a bit. “Do you hear that? That’s the sound of forgiveness,” he continued in a hushed voice, still over the sound of the waves.

“That’s the sound of a thousand people drowning, Crowley,” Aziraphale corrected him.

“That, is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence.”

“You’re sleeping on the couch tonight,” Aziraphale decided.

Crowley’s mouth hung open. “Wha- why?”

“Because I’m an angel and can feel all nine hundred and ninety-eight of these peoples’ deaths, now take out your wings. We’re not sticking around in this lifeboat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please please comment and kudos that would be great thank you :) episode 3 coming soon

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry for my sins  
> please please please comment or smth and I'll do episode 2 :D


End file.
